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I told myself I wouldn’t watch The End of Evangelion. Its reinterpretation of the show’s ending is too cruel and mean-spirited for me to handle.
Shinji constantly told himself he could never love a girl like Asuka. Her often mean and bitchy attitude is too much for a nice boy like him to handle.
But there it was in front of me. The whole movie uploaded on YouTube in high quality. It taunted me mercilessly.
But Asuka’s comatose body lay in front of him, her exposed breasts taunting the lonely adolescent boy mercilessly.
As I watched the movie, I was overcome with feelings of anger, despair, and repulsion. I hated Hideaki Anno for what he did to his characters. I hated myself for giving in to my curiosity about the film. I hated myself for being enraptured by its beauty and conceptual brilliance.
As Shinji masturbated, he was overcome with feelings of anger, despair, and repulsion. He hated Asuka for treating him poorly for such a long time. He hated Asuka for being too beautiful for him to resist. He hated himself for being hopelessly lustful for this young woman.
The movie ended with this fitting line: “Disgusting.”
After Shinji orgasmed, he looked at the mess he made on his hand. Disgusting….
I am so fucked up.
“I am so fucked up.”